-()- I don't expect you to understand -()-

Penguins Rock.

2007-04-03T18:41:48Z

This is a journal for my Women's Studies capstone, but I hadn't posted in here in awhile. I figured it was well overdue.

So I was walking down the sidewalk with Jarren today, and a bee was flying near us. Jarren freaked out, and I reassured you, “It’s okay; he’s gone.” Almost immediately, I told her that I had just gender stereotyped the bee. I guess it’s good that I at least recognize my errors. Yet, when will I finally overcome them? By buying into gendered stereotypes in society, I am one of the herd of lemmings creating self-fulfilling prophecies of male and female roles. In my textbook for English 328, Language and Gender, the author stated that even she slips up from time to time in her pronoun usage. Maybe I shouldn’t feel so badly. I guess this situation just got the wheels turning.

We kept walking, and the bee situation brought up animal studies of gender and the biological vs. social dichotomy of societal roles. I think penguins are such fascinating animals, in a large part due to their somewhat unconventional gender roles. After a female penguin lays an egg, she goes off to hunt for fish, while her male counterpart stays and tends to the unborn penguin. The male rests the egg between its legs for warmth and protection. If the penguin lets the egg fall, the ice and cold temperatures will freeze the egg, potentially killing the offspring. When the female returns, the male then goes off to hunt for its own food. Although it is hard to examine empirically, I have to wonder if baby penguins have a strong/stronger bond with their fathers than mothers, in large part due to this nurturing. This would possibly attest to the strength of social, rather than biological, bonds of parenting. Perhaps it is too much of a stretch to compare the animal kingdom to the human species. Yet, maybe not.

I am an Animal Planet nerd and once watched a special on orangutans. These animals have proved to be intricately linked with human makeup, often exhibiting more emotion and reasoning than most animal species. At a special orangutan camp made for abandoned orangutan children, these creatures are raised by humans and taught the skills needed to survive in the wild on their own. They go through several stages of development, depending on their age and survival aptitude. There is an infant camp to teach emotion and basic motor skills; there is an intermediate camp for the orangutans to develop their social skills and basic environment skills; there is an advanced camp for the older orangutans to advance their independence, being taught environmental skills such as building nests and finding food. Once the orangutan seems ready, the camp releases her or him into the wild.

One infant orangutan came to the camp with its mother. Its mother was sick and needed to be separated from its mother to thrive in health and nourishment. The director of the camp carried around this infant in a papoose, feeding it, nurturing it, and filling in the role of mother. Once its biological mother recovered, they tried to reunite the mother with its baby. Although the mother recognized her young, the baby was frightened, clinging to its human “mother” and crying.

Perhaps the sociologist in me overrules most biological ideas I encounter, but I strongly believe in socialization playing the primary part in upbringing. Whether this applies to parenting roles, gender roles, or stereotypes about what both should be, one cannot deny the immense power of those around us influencing our lives. Perhaps we are not too far off from the animal kingdom; no social role is set in stone.

In further news:

- I took 2 leadership roles in my sorority and got Greek New Member of the Year in the girls' division.

- I made Outlet Hip Hop Dance Group and Mortar Board.

- I picked up a second job as a Student Tele-counselor in the Office of Admissions.

- I have 2 more semesters in college, I'll graduate with a double major in Women's Studies and Sociology. Then, I'm on to grad school. I'm looking at University of Colorado, Denver for an MA in Domestic Violence and then IU B-town for a PhD in Gender Studies.

- I'm (hopefully) going to be Secretary of Diversity next year for the best student government exec anyone has ever seen!

- For anyone that hadn't heard, my mom moved to Indy, and my grandma moved in with her. She's doing well. Hence, I'm not planning on returning to live in Fort Wayne anytime soon.

- I need to quit smoking. But I need to want it first.

- I think that's it. My life isn't too interesting.

Extraterrestrial

2006-11-09T03:56:33Z

Do you suppose it's true? That humans are not alone in this universe? I don't feel too human myself sometimes. I certainly don't feel humane.

Respecting the Earth isn't as easy as it seems. We live in a world of give and take, where giving a little and taking too much from the world is widely accepted and rarely questioned.

Providing service is seen as heroic. I am Superman.

Compassion is confused with submission, and submission is limited to those who are oppressed. It leaves them with nothing but compassion for each other. Sympathy for their horizontal segregation. Politics with their tea.

We meet in groups to plan great things. Many of these are superficial at best.

We wait in lines.

We are in a perpetual state of being late for something, everything.

Coffee.
Job.
Class.
Meeting.
Coffee.
Coffee.

Food all begins to taste the same.

We tell each other 'I love you' in hopes that saying it will make it true. It rarely is.

I could quote a Corinthians passage here, or provide my own witty quip about what 'true' love is.

Or, I could keep sitting here with my luke-warm cup of coffee and my notebook, after a day of work and meetings, waiting for a class to start, anticipating my dinner in a few hours, which will probably taste like all the others.

Or maybe I will go sit in the rain, admiring my face in the puddles, wondering if my reflection really is human.

A Mattress in France

2006-10-26T22:28:14Z

Dust off the lonely pillowcase
That hasn’t been slept on for days
My fingertips ache in desperation
As the guitar strings make a song about dying
Let’s just take a nap, just once
And forget about what it’s like
To care, to think, to dream, to die
Alone in our sleep tonight
Everything is nothing

Watch the windows for what’s outside
My irrational fear of the dark sets in
To sleep, to sleep perchance to dream
But I seem to lack in both
The sheets are frayed
And my expression blank
In the reflection of your hopeful eyes
If I could only be
Everything or something

I’ll work on my smiling façade
As you caress my arm and watch
The goosebumps form under the skin
The pillow knows how it goes
And lays still under the weight of the night
I’ll forget about this
Along with the others, in time, I swear
You don’t have to mean something
Nothing means everything…

…In this world of broken dreams
Where children dance on pillowtops
And lovers make their beds
Where everything is everything
And I can rest my head

Apology

2006-10-16T05:19:10Z

So I think I figured out what I've been doing. I sabotage current relationships because I'm too hung up on past ones. And then those ones that I sabotage become my new old ones to overanalyze. It becomes a viciously wicked cycle.

All in all, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of the great girls who landed the great guys that I passed by because they didn't fit into my perfect life plan. What I wouldn't give for someone to make me eat my words at this point.

I miss little parts of each person, of course. With each relationship, I become a little more wise about what I need. Or want. Or both. But the fact is that out of all of those guys, there was one who did absolutely nothing wrong.

He was perfect. And I got scared because it wasn't going to be easy. I was going to have to trust him, and I wasn't good at that. And I didn't know him for that long, so I didn't trust that what was there really was love. And for that, I am truly sorry.

I've measured out my life with coffee spoons...

2006-09-28T17:49:10Z

I couldn't tell you when I started caring.

I'm assuming I was born with it. I had this birthmark for a long time before I knew about it. It's this patch-of-freckle looking thing on the side of my neck. It looks alot like a hickey, actually. It was strange to find a part of me that I never knew existed.

My mother taught me how to love, and how to have a heart. And in all honesty, that's all I needed. I shadowed my father's realistic (and perhaps pessimistic) view on life for a very long time. He was ambitious, but mostly for his own benefit. My sister has followed suit.

I would rather care.

I had a fleeting moment of glory today. I walked down to the Village. It's a street just off of campus that has all kinds of little shops and bars and restaurants.

I walked by the Village Green record store, and turned the corner of a barber shop. The barber has nice teeth and a bit of a Jamaican air to him. We smiled and waved at each other, our daily routine.

I kept walking and passed by the Travel Dimensions place, where several cats reside in the window. One of the cats went missing yesterday. It was on the front page of the newspaper today. A sign hung in the window with a few limp balloons that said they had found her, and she was home. I smile a bit inside.

I stopped at MT Cup, where everybody knows your name, or at least your coffee of choice. I fought the urge to have a cigarette on the way in. Everyone there can smoke, except for me. One month and one week since I quit, minus 2 moments of weakness.

I ordered my Zebra Mocha and practiced salsa dancing in my head. I learned how to salsa yesterday. My turns need some work.

Walking back, I ran into a guy, Aaron, who I met at a concert the other day. He works at Village Green Records. We talked for a minute, and he said he was on his way to schedule and appointment with that cute barber on the corner. So I joined him.

Cute Barber's real name is Algeir. He used to have a shop behind TIS Bookstore, and his shop has been a raging success since he moved its location. Aaron scheduled a haircut for next Thursday. I watched the TV screen, and observed the hair on the floor and off-white cross hung on the wall.

Aaron and I left the shop and stood on the street corner, talking about our favorite local bands and his misconceptions about the Women's Studies Program. I wished him well, and started walking.

My life, for one fleeting moment, was complete in the Village today. The birthmark on my neck made a little more sense.

I'm not one to believe in fate or destiny, because I believe it takes away from the impact we could make on the world with our decisions. But I realized that the options we have are already there. There are opportunities in each step I take in the Village, on campus, and in the world. There are chances to make the mundane extraordinary.

Even though I did not discover my birthmark until just a few years ago, it was always there. In a way, it was waiting for me this whole time.

By being realistic, optimistic, or pessimistic with our outlooks of life, we are limited to what we can do. It takes away from the heart of the world - from caring enough to take those chances.

I couldn't tell you when I started to care. But I stopped not caring today.

All the Pretty Pieces

2006-08-31T22:01:26Z

I have this red dot on my index finger of my right hand. It's not something I like to talk about too much, because it really bothers me. It's obviously something that got stuck under my skin at some point or another. But I can never get it out. I promise I'll tie this in.

I am severely discouraged. That is a brilliant word. Discouraged. It's the only word that truly fits what the hell is going on.

I don't feel like sitting here and listing my complaints about life. That would be extremely tedious, and depressing for you all to read. So I'll just do what I do best: be vague.

I'm a walking contradiction. I won't allow myself to feel certain things or have certain things with people, in fear of it A)absolutely consuming my life and thus changing me or B)absolutely killing my soul by ending badly.

At the same time, I feel like there's a certain hole in my life where something should be. A void I can't fill with success and gumption, or cigarettes and coffee. A void that is filled by partnership.

At the worst time, romantically speaking, the absolute worst, pessimistic, low of low, that's when my past comes back to haunt me. Like an unfinished book, I've watched the bookmark loom about ninety percent of the way in, without reading the conclusion. For some reason, I'm really afraid to read how the story ends, but I'm still compelled to read it.

I talked with Brittany Albertson about it today, who is a fantastic judge of character and one of the few honest people I know. She told me that I need closure. It seems so simple, but it's hard to wrap my head around. She said that no matter what, it will always be there in the back of my mind. Sometimes, it will be hidden beneath the fast pace of my life or a current relationship. But it will be there nonetheless, until I man up and face it.

He is the red dot on my finger. He's under my skin.

P.S. I'm on Day 11 without cigarettes. Go team.

I think I've been listening to The Streets too much...

2006-08-05T14:59:11Z

Last night I cashed out at work early. My last night. I wasn't concerned enough to say goodbye.

I was distracted. My hand hurt like a bitch, a dull ache that reminded me of how old I really am. I firmly believe it was arthritis, or maybe that's just an excuse my brain came up with to start a revolution.

I got in the car and put on my glasses, due to my night blindness. My eyes keep getting worse every year. I can barely watch television without those glasses anymore.

After driving for a bit, I weighed the option of a cigarette. How full was I? I hate smoking on a full stomach. On the other hand, I didn't really NEED a cigarette anyway... I just wanted one enough to claw someone's face off.

By the time I had made my decision, I was almost home. So I got outside of the car and watched the moon, lit cigarette in hand. My arthritis hand. I'm getting too old for this kind of shit. Too old to be so young. I put out the cigarette, not even halfway done.

I went inside and thawed out for awhile, showing Mom my Salvation Army finds. I was elated over my newly-used lamp and plaster pottery... man, I am old.

I realized I had left my cellphone in the car. Surely, on a Friday night, everyone and their mom would be calling me drunk. I didn't bother to get it. I'll save the parties for a day when I don't have arthritis.

The Standard of Living

2006-07-26T06:26:16Z

I always reach for something in a time of crisis.

To keep from falling apart on a day-to-day basis, I reach for a cigarette and a strong cup of black coffee. When I need to forget about all the shit going on around me, I reach for my crocheting or word search books. Stupid, small things that keep me from giving up...

Those word searches don't talk back. My crocheting needle doesn't second-guess my opinions. But none of those ridiculous, tediously small tokens of familiarity give me the satisfaction of understanding. Of compassion.

From time to time, I don't want people's selfish opinions of whether what I'm doing is right or wrong. I just want a little bit of faith. Everyone has to be right. Has to be the best. I'm just trying to get by, doing my own best.

I'm tired of competing for who has it worst or who's doing best at this thing called life.

I'm tired of sugar-coating what's really not important.

I wish that someone had a hand out that really understood what it's like to work from the bottom up, instead of the top down. I need someone that doesn't shy away from my mourning or loss or depression. The demons inside of me are drugged and muzzled.

I need for someone to not be so scared. To sit, and listen to me talk about everything I've lost. Not to pity me, but just so I don't feel like I'm leading 2 lives. Like I ran away from something.

I'm on the tip of the iceberg. And no amount of cigarettes, coffee beans, or balls of yarn will rescue me.

Epiphanies of the Evening

2006-07-24T05:24:12Z

1) If you have everything, then you have nothing.

2) Without loss, some things cannot be learned.

3) Whoever came up with the stages of greiving is full of shit.

Just Before

2006-07-03T04:30:18Z

Can you really lose what was never had?
A little bit restless
With a twitching eye and heavy heart
And I’m tired of hearing just wait
It’s not fate
That has molded my fears
But the sunshine and rain, minutes and days
My hand is weary
From holding thin air
And you stay
Behind your fortress wall
Where was the line I signed for this
One kiss
That was all I needed
To make something out of apathy
But you took your lips
Your hand
Your heart
I’m tired of searching in the dark
So I’ll step on your porch
Slide down the door
Sense you on the other side and ask
Can you really lose what was never had?
And let the silence answer my cries

Drowned Indifference

2006-06-30T04:33:59Z

Chipped nail polish
Only two days old
It’s amazing how time would fly
If it could
Weightless wading
In a pool
Of redemption and remorse
Born anew
Into the sea of lies
Lifeless picture frames
Rough to the touch
I don’t recognize my smile
Anymore
Maybe if I had someone
Something to hold onto
A new person
A new drug
I could make it through the day
Maybe, just maybe
If I stayed out late tonight
Watched the stars
And the sliver of the moon
I could catch my soul
In a lightning bug
Cupped in the palm of my hand
I’ll forget
About the broken promises
China dishes that shattered
In my dreams
Eventually
I’ll find peace

Side note: I don't really think I'm as depressed as this sounds. It just kindof came out. Stream of consciousness is a bitch, huh?

Roap Trippin'

2006-06-27T16:10:55Z

So I took this big road trip. I left Friday and just got back today. It was pretty cool.

I went down to Columbus, as my original intention. I was the bridesmaid in my roommate Caitlin's wedding. Last minute, I got bumped up to maid of honor because her former maid of honor's transmission had blown up like 2 days beforehand. It was crazy. Very nice wedding. I'll miss Caitlin immensely, though.

I like Columbus alot, actually. What I saw of it, at least. I'd like to go back down and cruise sometime, survey the scenery.

On my way back up to Fort Wayne, I stopped and saw Betsy. We had good times of grilling out, falling asleep, eating mexican food, shopping for playboy hats and cheap soap, and setting off fireworks. Fab.

I left the next morning, only to turn back around and hit Indy to visit the sis. We went to PF Changs and had a reasonably good time, until her asshole roommate got his panties in a twist over a buddy of mine coming over to say hi. So he drove out so Ashley and him and I could take a walk, because he wasn't welcome in her own place, with her on the lease, paying half the rent.

Out of that situation, I learned that no matter what, I will never be the 'old person' in a house. The person that monitors who comes and goes, and at what times. The person that says no to parties. The person that makes a chore board and gets on people for not pulling their weight.

You know what. It's not that fucking complicated. You live with friends, and you treat them with respect. Is that so difficult?

Anywhoo.

A trip that should've ended 2 days ago just ended. I had an overall A-OK time.

In other news, I think I'm officially a smoker now, as opposed to a person who smokes. I don't really like my smoker self. I'm gonna try to cut back.

Tired

2006-06-20T05:47:07Z

I've been thinking.

Deb said something today that made alot of sense. She was talking about the notion of the end meaning more than the means, and what bullshit it is. The means is everything.

The ends is a resume builder. The ends is the number of signatures in the guestbook at your funeral. The ends is not you, but a label put upon you and your work in life.

All too often, the means is the underdog. What ever happened to living, truly living life to its fullest? Not for the outcome, but for the moment?

Debbie and I sat at IHOP for a good while, discussing life. And damn, it felt good.

I don't know where I'm going. There are so many options. All I know is, I'm tired of this pitiful version I'm attempting of "living." In my life right now, I am dead to the world. Absolutely invisible. Not one person called on Father's Day to see how I was. Not that that's anybody's fault, but I think everyone just figured each other had that base covered.

At work, I was almost trampled by a woman today, and I had the crushed, whipped, sadness in me to actually say "I'm sorry." She didn't even look at me as she walked on by.

I was telling mom this today: In my life, I am absolutely invisible... that is, until I fuck up.

I am tired of being a nobody, and ready to be a somebody.

Everyone loves the rags to riches stories of people who came from nothing and made something of themselves. Once again, they made the ends, and the means are frivilous details in the story. Yet, I'm tired of hearing about this sadistic view of rugged individualism.

I want to hear about somebody that took the path less traveled. Somebody that was born in America and decided that it was a bit too polished. Moved to a 3rd world country. Learned how the world really lives. Lived with passion and want and drive because if they didn't, they wouldn't survive. I want to be that story. I want to mean something. I want to embrace the means, and give the ends the one finger salute.

I am sick and tired of people pretending like they are getting ahead in life. People saying they can't go get Taco Bell or a cup of coffee, because they don't have the money.

News flash: our generation has a future of debt and poverty ahead of them. We will always have bills, credit card debt, loans to pay back. If we do somehow get out of that hole, we need to pay ourselves first and set up retirement funds like 401ks about... oh, say negative ten years ago to have a single dime when we die. Social Security can and will run out. Studies find that 33 year olds and younger will not get a damn cent from social security.

So fuck it. Buy that damn latte. Tear your padded resume up and flush it down the toilet. Go stand out on a corner and ask for change. See how people treat you. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the real world.

The ends is purely pieces of paper, whether that be money, wills, resumes, or epitaphs. The means are the memories. The people you touch. The life you lead.

And for gods sake, stop being invisible.

mandalinoleum @ 2006-06-01T16:19:00

2006-06-01T20:17:49Z

I may not return calls for a few days; I have alot on my mind.

Grandpa passed away this morning. We're taking off now to Merrillville until Tuesday, to sort everything out.

I can't think of anything else to say. But when you get news like that, nothing else really matters anymore.

WOOOOHOOOOOO

2006-05-09T15:03:11Z

So I just looked up my grades for the semester... 4.0 BABY!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I am going to brag. I balanced alot of shit this semester and I'm proud of myself.

I did a big happy dance around the living room and kitchen to a song by Blackalicious called "Powers"... I don't know, it was on.

Just thought I'd throw it out there.

I'm reading The Prophet right now. Brian gave it to me for my B-day. I was always too busy to read it, though. But it's REALLY GOOD. I catch myself just reading the same line over and over, because reading it once doesn't extract its full meaning. Killer, killer book.

I'm gonna go read it now, in fact. Outside. Where it's nice :)

Home sweet home

2006-05-08T16:45:47Z

Honey, I'm home. It's nice to have a humble existence here. My life is simplified. I rarely double- or triple-book myself. I get to sit around and play with my puppy for a little bit each day. Yet, I feel like I still need some direction or I will piddle this summer away, so I've tried to come up with a few random goals:

1) Teach Sammy how to shake hands/paws
2) Volunteer at a local women's shelter
3) Become a Civil Rights and Women's Suffrage history buff
4) Go to Cedar Point
5) Get in shape
6) Figure out how to make work fun while still being productive
7) Remember old friendships, maintain current ones, and embrace new ones
8) Learn how to cook
9) Psychoanalyze my relationships with men
10) Learn to play guitar
11) Start writing poetry again

It's a start. I won't promise that I'll get it all done, but at least I'll put some decent thought into them.

I was entirely too relieved to leave Ball U. Yet, I left some phenomenal people behind. I think I put the blinders on when I left, not realizing that I won't be able to just saunter down to Shawn or Jamie's room whenever the mood strikes or count on Betsy for late-night randomness and mid-day texting sessions (well, we still can do that last part, haha). I am going to miss the Fijis and everything pertaining to them. I marvel every day at how on earth they found such a quality group of guys to be in the fraternity. So pretty much, I'm sad to see it all go.

I've always known that I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gal. Yet, I've started to see it's pretty overrated. I love living my life in the present, randomly, because the best memories root from those times. By the same token, I never put too much thought into my past or my future. I'm not a pre-planner by any means, which is one of my faults.

Also, I am tremendously troubled as of late by my lack of detailed memories. Some things trouble me a little bit, like not being able to remember where I met someone. Others trouble me more, like not being able to remember the plot of books or movies that I know I read or watched. Yet, some others trouble me a great deal, like not being able to remember my dad's face some days.

How does one learn to remember? Is that a gene I just missed out on or a learned trait?

My brain hurts now, and my puppy is adorable, so I'm going to go play with him.

I MISS YOU, MY BALL STATE PEEPS!

yeah

2006-04-23T14:50:40Z

I figured I'd write this in here so some people have some background info for when I go back to school.

I left this weekend to visit my grandpa in the hospital in Chicago.

We went to Merrillville to sleep at my grandma's the first night. She's a mess without him. She made Ashley a screwdriver without the vodka.

The next morning, we went up to Chicago to see him. He's doing alright; tired, but still ornery as hell. His platelet count is really low, 15 out of over 100. Naturally, he feels like shit and he's groggy.

We got a chance to talk to the doctor. He came in and asked Grandpa and Grandma their understanding of why he was there. They barely pieced together the essentials. Grandpa couldn't even remember the word 'leukemia.'

He went over the options with us. Grandpa has acute myeloid leukemia, which is rapidly-progressing. He basically has two courses of action: chemotherapy or pill treatments. The chemo is the only thing the could possibly cure it, but there are no guarantees, he'd be in the hospital pretty consistently for the rest of his life, he'd get sicker before he got better, and the doctor worried about complications like stroke and heart attack. The pill will allow him to be home with the exception of 2 nights a week for transfusions and have a better quality of life, but it doesn't cure anything, and just buys him time.

The doctor told him he has until Monday to choose, but we wanted to help them in their decision while we were still there. We repeated what the doctor said about 50 times. I even made them a chart of pros and cons for each. They still barely understood what was going on. So we did what we felt was best; we listened to what he had been saying and gave our reccomendation.

In the hospital, the first thing out of his mouth to the doctor was "I want to go home." He had been talking to my brother on the phone previously and told him that he's tired of fighting and ready to go. Based on this, the doctor's advice, and our personal opinions, we told him he may want to consider the pill. It's still not concrete; he's got until Monday to decide. I don't see him changing his mind, though.

So basically, we're giving up on him. It's not an easy thing to do. But we can't be selfish and keep him around for our own well-beings. It has to be in his best interest.

So for now, we will spend the next few weeks getting him home, setting up an at-home nurse and transportation system, and making sure all of his wishes are met.

It's not going to be easy, but nothing in this world is.

mandalinoleum @ 2006-04-20T17:21:00

2006-04-20T21:39:08Z

Updates. I keep putting this off and waiting for happy things to come along. They rarely do.

Easter was a fucking joke. I hate my mom's side of the family; 92% of them are bigoted assholes. So I went and tried to be social, only to find refuge in a nap on the living room couch. When I woke up, I discovered that shit had hit the fan. My aunt and uncle decided that they didn't understand what exactly I did as Miss Unity, so they googled me. They found the Daily News article, which clearly displays my bisexuality. They flipped out. Told my sister that "That ain't right" and that "If your dad was around, he'd have some things to say about you girls." It's fine if they're going to be assholes, but they can fucking eat me before they drag my father into that shit. So pretty much, I was outed while sleeping. Talk about having an opportunity to defend myself.

I don't know if I'll ever go back. It'll be interesting to see how my holidays pan out from now on. What I really want to do is send them an application to the family. On it, I will state all of my accomplishments, as well as my interests. If they can accept me for who I am, they can truly take me into the family. If not, they can deny my application. It's not like I don't know what it's like to lose family.

Speaking of, I just found out that my grandpa has leukemia the other day. He's 87. He has one type of cancer already. It doesn't look good. I'm dropping everything this weekend to go see him. I think people were surprised by my reaction to the situtation. It's unlike me. But I really don't know how else to react but being numb. Self-preservation mode, I guess.

I really do have some wonderful friends there to support me, though. I cannot explain enough how attached I am to Betsy, Jamie and Shawn. They're really my rocks here.

I have a somewhat interesting story. So I sent a letter-to-the-editor in to the Daily News the other day about apathy on campus. Here it is, if you want to read it:

http://www.bsudailynews.com/media/storage/paper849/news/2006/04/18/Forum/Letters.Ball.State.Must.Take.Action.To.Rid.Campus.Of.Hatred-1859246.shtml?norewrite200604201730&sourcedomain=www.bsudailynews.com

So the people who left shit about me (anonymous, of course) pretty much destroyed my attitude about life. After all, most of their accusations were completely farfetched and unfounded, and very little of it was constructive criticism. But I have to know that it happens. I guess Michelle Faroh told Betsy this: Paris Hilton once said that if people talk shit about you and they don't even know you, you know you're the shit.

Anyway. I was in a pretty pissed-off mood last night, and Betsy was for various reasons as well, so we traveled down to the Village for beverages (ahem). I had coffee, I swear. So I was pretty much the only person that hadn't had a drop of alcohol all night, mind you. I went over to Greeks to get some breadsticks, and I tripped on the sidewalk grate and stubbed my toe. I cursed and moved on with my business. Then I felt that my toe was wet. DEFINITELY bleeding all over myself. This was at about 11 last night.... it's still bleeding. I had it checked out, and it doesn't require stitches, but he said it'll probably be a nice scar. Yessss.

But other than the toe, last night was extremely fun. I am getting to spend alot of time with hottie-and-a-half Nick. And Jo sent me a card in the mail today. So can I really complain?... yes. But I'll try not to do it as much.

If Shawn can do it, I can too!!!

2006-04-12T19:44:39Z

TEN FIRSTS
1. First Best Friend: Angie, in Michigan
2. First Hamster: I definitely have cranial flatulance and can't remember its name. Cinnamon was my first gerbil.
3. First Piercing: Ears
4. First high school crush: Joel Bauer, maybe? I know he was my first high school boyfriend.
5. First Cassette: Oh god, no clue. Prolly Amy Grant or New Kids on the Block.
6. First car: :(
7. First Love: Zac, probably
8. First Stuffed Animal: ? This is tough! I really liked Bunny, I remember.
9. First Concert: Can't remember this either. I suck at life.
10. First Time Drunk: Eighth grade, at Brittni's house
NINE LASTS
1. Last Beverage: Raspberry Iced Tea
2. Last Car Ride: With Josh Corah back from the Fiji house, Taco Bell and a bonfire
3. Last hmm: Probably 2 minutes ago. I do that alot.
4. Last Phone Call: Cole, about our group project
5. Last CD Played: Mae, Destination Beautiful, I think it's called?
6. Last Bubble Bath: FOREVER ago
7. Last Time You Cried: I think last week. It was a rough week, though.
8. Last Kiss: I believe it was Jamie Manuel.
9. Last Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Brian :)
EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS
1. Have you ever dated one of your best friends?: Zac, but I'm not sure if he was a best friend beforehand or not
2. Have you ever been arrested: not yet!
3. Have you ever skinny-dipped: Ryan's pond!
4. Have you ever been on TV: I believe so, but not for anything important.
5. Have you ever kissed someone and regretted it: everyone I kissed when I had the mistletoe at that party... I got strep throat from it!
6. Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you know: I don't dream.
7. Have you ever been sent to the emergency room? Not for myself.
8. Have you ever been in a fistfight: With a punching bag.
SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING (Right Now)
1. 2 bellybutton rings, minus one ball... I lost it today... grr...
2. 2 earrings
3. jeans
4. Indiana tee
5. hairtie
6. cute underoos
7. converse slipons
SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY IN NO ORDER
1. talked to Jamie about ex-boyfriends and fraternities
2. scheduled my Spanish placement test for Monday
3. Facebooked non-stop
4. showered and did my hair... rare, but awesome! haha
5. ate lunch with Grembo, Liz and MATT WITTERS. I miss that kid.
6. set people straight who wanted their paper "proofread" at work... you'd be proud, Jamie :)
FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER
1. chocolate
2. my puppy
3. my mom
4. dance
5. Fiji guys
FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO
1. Mom
2. Shawn
3. Jo
4. Betsy
THREE CHOICES
1. Eat or Drink: Eat!!! are you kidding me?
2. blonde or brunette: Brunettes for girls, indifferent for guys
3. pink or black: black
TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. make a difference
2. learn to trust

ONE THING YOU REGRET:
1. pushing people away

So the last few days have been spectacular. I really think I may have seasonal depression. When the weather gets nice, it's super-hard to have a bad day.

I tried out for Code Red on Saturday. Got close to making it, but no cigar. It was a nice workout, though. The wifey definitely took my out for chocolate nachos as a consolation prize. Betsy Mills, I love you. We then went to Dridge's, where the fun ensued and I found out that she is SERBIAN. I about died. That made my whole year.

On Sunday, I was sore as hell but went to a hip-hop workshop. This guy Kasper from "So You Think You Can Dance" was teaching. Honestly, I had no clue who we was. So when I walked in, there was this hot guy passing through the door going the other way. We had eye contact, smiled, did the turnaround, and I said "What up." Flirting is in my nature. I was definitely laying it on thick. Turns out: yeah, it was totally Kasper. I almost died. Yeah, and then it was a partner dance, and my partner left halfway through, so Kasper's adorable assistant stepped in and tried to dance with me. I totally fucked up the routine. I get distracted easily by hot black men :).

That night, B. Mills decided we had a cure for my soreness: Vicodin. We also had a conversation several days earlier about how good watermelon is. So she definitely came over with a watermelon, knife, and vicodin. It was the greatest sight ever. So we got slap-happy and walked around the dorms in cowboy hats with a watermelon and my Miss Unity trophe, cooking Thai food with Jamie. Definition of random. I don't even know if it was the vicodin or the situation that made me so friggin goofy. Excellent times.

Monday, I went over to the Fiji house to watch some of the guys play volleyball. I'm very frightened of the game, myself, so I sat on the sideline and studied for my sex test and gave out style points for Awkward Marty's volleyball skills. Josh Corah showed up and we had an immense amount of fun sitting on the ground and getting our asses wet. We then hit up Taco Bell (who wouldn't?) and then went over to a bonfire that my buddies were having. We met up with an EXTREMELY hot guy Nick there, who happens to be B. Mills' roommate next year.... guess where I'll be hanging out? haha

And finally, yesterday was random as hell as well. Jamie called me up and asked if I wanted to do Pizza & Porn night, which is always a classic and attracts a large crowd. Jamie can finally identify the clitoris on his own. Good job, buddy. We learned that Ellis has an extreme fear of feet. I almost fell asleep. Yeah, the porn was that bad. Extremely fun though.

So that leads to today. Who knows what fun will ensue? But yet, that's the beauty of warm weather: prime opportunity to shake off that cabin fever with crazy days and even crazier nights.

25th Hour

2006-04-05T17:36:39Z

I wish I could say I cared. About much of anything, at the moment.

Being surrounded by apathy starts to rub off on you. Ennis was talking about civil rights today, and how being an activist takes immense strength and is extremely tiring. I couldn't agree more. I'm just tired. I'm sick and tired. Of everything.

One time, my favorite teacher, Maude Jennings, told the class "Get mad as hell, baby... and do something about it." Those words truly changed my life for the better. When I feel like giving up, I hear those words; when I feel the fire inside spark for an issue I'm passionate about, I hear those words.

Some days though, those words aren't enough to get me by. What ever happened to trust? Understanding? Compassion? Now, I look around and see my friends' motives being driven by greed and politics. I can't say I'm that far off from that mentality either.

I wish I could give a little more. I wish I had a 25th hour in the day.

Life

2006-04-03T00:55:36Z

So.

My sister came down for the weekend to party with me. I guess that was pretty cool.

We had an impromptu anti-racism rally on Friday. Some recent events have sparked people to get off their asses and take some action, including myself. I'm fliering and emailing like a sonofabitch for the next rally on Wednesday. I'm beginning to become more 'radical,' I guess you could say. I just see success in a balance of words and action, and I think Ball State is lacking the action part of it. I told my mom I may get arrested this year. If I do, it'll be for a good cause, I'm sure.

I'm eating Spring Oreos, and they're damn good.

I may try out for Code Red dance team next weekend. I'm so indecisive. It's selfish of me to join something that will benefit absolutely no one but myself, but I still miss dancing so much.

Forgive me for this rant. I'm super-bored and unmotivated to work.

Let's find a survey.... okay, here is one.

Label it 21 Questions and spill your guts.

1. First thing you did this morning?
Got shitty at how messy my room was and cussed at Ashley profusely

2. Last thing you ate?
Oreos!

3. Is your cell phone a piece of crap?
I ALWAYS have p.o.s. cellphones. They suck. My favorite was my pink one.

4. What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 months?
Summer.

5. What's annoying you right now?
Apathy of the student body.

6. What's the last movie you saw or watched?
Sadly, I think it was You Got Served.... don't hate.

7. Do you believe in long distance relationships?
I don't really have an opinion on them, I guess.

8. When was the last time it rained?
It's been sprinkling today. It rained like a bitch Friday when we were trying to take Ashley's luggage in from the car.

9. Is there someone you miss?
My family and friends and puppy. And some days, a boy.

10. Who was the last person that texted you?
Jo, talking about her drunkeness from the previous evening.

11. Whos the last person you hung out with?
My sister, and my FA crew outside smoking after the meeting. Last night, I had the absolute best time hanging out with some of the Fijis and joking about how big my dick was. That was the most killer sarcasm round I've had in so long.

12. Song that sums up your love life?
"I Touch Myself"

13. What are a few things you wish you were better at?
Knowledge, grammar, listening, dancing, bowling, massaging, cooking, everything

14. If you could be anywhere this second, where would it be?
On my couch at home with the dog and Mom... and my Oreos

15. What's your most vivid memory from 7th grade?
Getting gum thrown in my hair by Teresa Atkins on the bus... those bithes made fun of me so much. I would kick their asses if I ran into them today.

16. Latest addiction?
Oreos and Augustana

17. Have you ever had the urge to kill someone?
Hurt them, yes. Kill them, no.

18. How many people would you say are interested in you?
Too many. And I don't say that in a boasting way. I guess my approachability makes me an easy mark.

19. Do you have a bf/gf?
There is a ladybug crawling on my wall right now. And to answer your question, no. I never do.

20. Do you think someone thinks about you daily?
Yes, I'm fairly certain of it.

21. Who was the last person you saw or talked to?
Mike T, outside. Such a cutie.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone...

2006-03-28T06:09:02Z

Ah, irony. The bitch of it.

I tend to fully appreciate things after they've left. Call me crazy.

In fact, my behavior is pretty crazy. I catch myself listening to lyrics of songs and flipping through pages of books cover to cover, trying to decipher some secret meaning in it all. Trying to find something tangible to hold onto. Something to confirm that what I felt wasn't all in my head, and that short span of time wasn't just a distant memory.

I'm hoping that time will cherish this love though, helping it float through the days and weeks and months and maybe carry it on into just friendship. That wouldn't be so bad. But whenever I think too hard, whenever I see a picture or I play with my coffee cup a certain way or wear a certain pair of socks, I think it may be impossible.

Only time will tell.

This doesn't change a thing. My life is still set in a certain path that I must be strong enough to take. But one thing I have come to realize is that while I can control my head, I can't control my heart.

Bon voyage

2006-03-27T19:59:32Z

People are one big endless disappointment after another recently, with the exception of very few.

I was at FA the other day, and Andrew brought up this big Forest Defense camp thing going on at IU next weekend. I guess you go learn how to build houses in trees so you can live there for months on end. Sounds pretty damn sweet right about now.

So yeah. I may go back after work and pack up my shit and go build me a treehouse.

If you can't find me, I'm in the forest...

Life's Challenge

2006-03-22T07:59:03Z

Everyone is a critic.

Everyone likes the sound of his or her own voice rather than the voices of others.

Everyone has to always be right.

Everyone likes to believe he or she is the exception to the rule.

Everyone is unhappy being alone.

Everyone likes to think he or she is brilliant when he or she is truly very generic.

Everyone wants to think he or she is groundbreaking.

Everyone has the misconception that he or she is a valuable member of society.

... I'd like to meet someone... for once... who proved me wrong.

The Definition of Love

2006-03-19T00:11:32Z

The days that we make
Spending our mornings
Praying for the coffee to brew faster
and the hours to pass quickly
Spending our evenings
Praying for our redemption
In a sea of three-inch heels
Twisted looks
Torn pages
Tattered dreams
It wasn't meant to be easy
But I wasn't meant to be this strong
The shadows dance so vividly
in front of my tarnished body
Dark and lovely shapes
but impossible to define
I can't even remember your face
but I still remember your warmth
the warmth that changes radio stations
and moves business cards
and rises from your favorite books
and makes something out of nothing
and brings meaning
To these hours with my coffeemaker
and my three-inch heels
and my shadow
Impossible to reach out and touch
but always by my side